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Monday, May 22, 2017

HELP!! I’M BEING HELD PRISONER IN A CHINESE BAKERY!! (MESSAGE IN A FORTUNE COOKIE)



I bet you never got a cookie in a Chinese restaurant that said anything like that!!
Or these:













I wasn't able to find a picture of my favorite fortune.
It reads, simply:
"Disregard previous cookie."


 









 





If you ever get a fortune cookie with a blank fortune, be very careful leaving the restaurant----fishducky

 



Friday, May 19, 2017

HEIDI, THE REAL STORY (AND A BONUS STORY)



I know it's true because I read it in the paper!!


Heidi
by Johanna Spyri

When Heidi, a little Swiss orphan girl, is five years old, she is taken by her Aunt Detie to live with her grandfather. His home is high up on the mountain slopes. He has quarreled with those who live down below in the village of Dörfli, where he is known as “Uncle Avalanche” because of his habit of rolling snowballs down the hill whenever he is pissed off.
Grandfather and Heidi get on very well together, and she settles happily into her new home. She spends many enjoyable hours fooling around up on the high pastures with Peter, who looks after the villagers' goats. She also very much enjoys visiting Peter's blind grandmother, whom she calls Grannie. This is because Grannie is a great cook and also because she cannot see when Heidi steals things.
Several years later her Aunt Detie, who owns a house of ill repute in Frankfurt, Germany, comes to see her. She takes Heidi to live in Frankfurt as a companion to a girl called Clara Sesemann, who is unable to walk.
Clara, her father, and her Grandmamma all become very fond of the little Swiss girl. However, Miss Rottenmeier, the Sesemann housekeeper, does not like Heidi because she  has scruffy clothes, cannot read, and has not learned how to behave in a grand house. Heidi does things which Miss Rottenmeier thinks are very naughty, like wiping her nose on her sleeve, getting tattooed, running with a gang and bringing home boys to spend the night..
As time goes by, Heidi becomes more and more homesick. Clara's Grandmamma sees that she is unhappy. She makes sure that Heidi learns to read and gives her a subscription to Playgirl Magazine to help. Heidi loves to look at the pictures but is still unhappy and starts to sleepwalk. It is at this point that Clara's doctor, Dr. Classen, insists that Heidi be allowed to return to her grandfather.
Back in the mountains, Heidi shares her new ability to read with Grandfather. He arranges to live in the village during the winter so that Heidi can go to school. Dr. Classen, Clara, Grandmamma and Mr. Sesemann all travel from Frankfurt to visit Heidi. Aunt Detie wants to accompany them but business is good at her whorehouse and she is too busy with her career. Clara is allowed to stay with Heidi in the hut on the mountain, and with Grandfather's help she eventually learns to walk again.
Before that time, Peter the goatherd is angry with Clara for taking Heidi's attention away from him, so he pushes her wheelchair over a cliff into the valley below. However, Grandmamma understands why he has done this. She knows that he feels guilty, so instead of punishing him she rewards him with some money. He continues doing this and makes a decent living out of it. The Sesemann family gives presents to Heidi and to Peter's blind grandmother in order to make their lives more comfortable. They promise Heidi's grandfather that they will try their best to keep Heidi out of prison and to make sure she is taken care of after his death.



BONUS: 

HUMPTY DUMPTY, THE REAL STORY
by Mother Goose


Humpty Dumpty was a bad egg.  He was really hard boiled.  He felt rules were not for him; that nobody could tell him what to do.  One day while rolling down the street, he saw a sign which said, “Caution!!  Do not sit on wall.”  So he climbed up (not easy for an egg to do) and sat on it.  He realized then that the wall was not finished and the top was sloped, but he was too tough to care.

When the King’s horses and the King’s men arrived to finish work on the wall they found Humpty Dumpty lying at its foot, with multiple cracks in his shell.  They tried but couldn’t put him back together so they called an ambulance and rushed him to the nearest restaurant where they found that even though his shell was cracked beyond repair the rest of him was still edible.  He was chopped, mixed with mayonnaise & celery & made into a delicious egg salad. 

My Ducky, Shirley, sent me this & I had to include it:

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful  daughter.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would  melt.
No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched  would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare  marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the  King,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,  she will be cured."
The King was overjoyed and came up with a  plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The  first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess  touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince  brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they  melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince  approached. He told the Princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what  is in there."
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned  red.
She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over  joyed.
And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily  ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince's pants?

M&M's, of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?
I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES! 


You think my versions of fairy tales are odd?
Take a look at these.
(Scroll down to the video "The Dark Details Of The Original Tellings Of Fairy Tales")

There was a dearth of Heidi cartoons
so here are some about Humpty Dumpty:














If you've read this
& if not, why not?
I told you how much I liked it!!
You'll love this:
Release date May 30, but you can preorder on Amazon now. 
This woman knows how to write!!
You can read a review here.


That's the end of the "Real Stories" for now; I think two weeks was enough!!----fishducky